and i u n f o l d

Given that 26 is pretty much heading into the later half of 20s, I wanted to do something special for myself to mark the occassion.

I wanted to do 2 things. I wanted to create my own visionboard with the things I want to attract to my life and I wanted to write a letter to myself which I will keep in a safe place and open on my 30th birthday.

FUN OR WHATTTTT. :P

I haven’t gotten around to doing either of those yet BUT I WILL. IWILLIWILLIWILL. Need to make the time. Need to stop being lazy and unproductive. Need to learn to live on less sleep? Haha!

I think I need to dial it back a little.

Pushed myself a little too hard this week; between dance class, yoga, pilates, my body couldn’t handle it. Add to that a virus going around at home and you got one sick puppy.

The suckiness really started Tuesday night when I was so tired but had a restless night. Felt crappy at work but I was determined to go for dance. Did Fre.dy’s first and then hightailed it to P O M O for Cand.y’s Plat.form class. I was arleady feeling lacklustre in MTV but felt like dying in Can.dy’s. Could not process the choreo… it’s a miracle I survived that and didn’t look like a trainwreck in the video. Haha.

I still felt bad on Thursday morning so I decided to call in sick. Which turned out to be the only good decision I’ve made this week. Haha. Doc diagnosed me with gastric flu, which explains my misery. I really hate having no appetite at all. Arghhhh. I’m on my 2nd day of MC… and I’m feeling a little bored. Probably gonna lie in bed and sleep. Or maybe read. Or I can catch up on tv shows. I need to feel better by Sunday cos I have 4 hours of rehearsal!

I guess I inadvertently gave myself a long weekend, eh?

It’s been nonstop action for the past 3 months. July was O p en Stu dio month. Work kept me on the edge in August and, of course, I celebrated my birthday. And got a brand-spankin-new room in the process! September wasn’t supposed to be busy but a last-minute offer to guest perform at The N.ext Wa.ve brought on a whole spate of rehearsals and stress. And there was also the Swa.gg Out dance classes. And it was fasting month. And it was capped off with me channelling my inner 14-year again at the Ba.ck.stre.et concert.

PHEWWWWW.

So many things to update. I will get around to it.

….. soon.

14 August 2009 hasn’t been anywhere near as fan-fuckin-tastically awesome as 14 August 2008.

(It was, in fact, the polar opposite as the workday was insanely busy and sucky and stressful.)

A year later, and it still feels surreal! A lot of things had to go right and I guess the stars do align sometimesK! \o/

THANKSSSS UNIVERSE, I TOTALLY OWE YOU ONE! :D

And the cherry to top it off: my fave photo EVERRRRRRR.

♥♥♥♥♥

Still 100% my future husband, y’alls.

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls.”
- Merce Cunningham

July 27th 2009: a day I felt very very alive.

My O pen. Studi.o choreography: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3W-ta-r9rM

My first collabo piece, my first commerical class: NERVE-WRECKING!

Winn.ie & I were sorta worried about who would come but it turned out pretty good. We got maybe 20 people? It wasn’t super duper crowded but a decent-sized class. We did a really short warm-up and headed straight to choreography.

I started off with the first half and then Winnie took over about halfway through the chorus. But I think we probably rushed through the 2nd half cos we were pressed for time. BUT WE MANAGED TO TEACH EVERYTHING WE HAD! \o/ Which was about 12 eights, or 1 min of choreography. MUAHAHAHAHA, WE ARE EVILLLLL. It was kinda mad, to throw that much at everyone within the span of about 1hr+.

It was pretty cool (and satisfying) that everyone pretty much got it. It’s a totally different feeling when other people “get” your choreo. Very very awesome. But I was like half-dead by the end, cos we did it a lot “” of times so that everyone would get the musicality correct. And I couldn’t half-ass it so I was like GAAHHHHHHHHH. *ded*

It was an extremely great experience. I’m very touched by friends who came for our class, especially since most of us are working people now and coming for a dance class on Monday night isn’t the easiest thing to do. Words cannot say how much I appreciated their support.

Of course, there were also people I didn’t know and I say a big huge thank you and hope the Universe gets it to them. LOL. I don’t know what made them come but it was gratifying to see people who were interested in whatever it is we (W in nie & I) have to offer.

Have to share an awesome-yet-huhwtf moment. There was this guy in class (American, judging from his accent) and in the middle of when I was teaching, he piped up and said “Do you know S o Re al Cr u?” and basically insinuated that something about the choreo reminded him of them. And I was like, HUHWTF?!?. Cos, yes, I know of them and I was trying to figure out what the similarity was. LOL!!!! But that’s a compliment fo’sure, so on the inside, I was all \o/. Hahahah. /cheap thrill

Oh oh and Yaya (who didn’t want to come for class, heh), dropped by and left some chocs for me. AWWWWWW. <3333 Thanks, bb. Appreciate your moral support!

I feel like this is another landmark moment in my dance journey. I never would’ve thought that I’d come this far in less than a year but I feel really proud of what I’ve accomplished. And a lot of it is rooted in R.S. and the support and encouragement I get from them. Being with them pushes me to be better, y’know? The collabo process was a great learning experience too and I gotta show love & appreciation to Winnie for being an awesome collabo partner. :D

In conclusion: Dance is my life. And I’m rich in my friends. :)

I’m at a point where I just wanna go hide in a cave.

It’s been a rough few weeks.

Work is overwhelming at times. There are a lot of new things happening and I’m in the thick of it. Trying hard to keep up and do the things that really need to be done. There are bad days and okay days and I sometimes feel like I have a fragile hold on my sanity/temper/composure. Underneath my poker face, of course.

The insanity has seemingly been transported to my personal life. Again, my hold on my sanity/temper/whatever is wavering… and I have a feeling I’m gonna lose it one of these days. Little things irritate me, things that have always existed suddenly become abrasive, innocuous words can piss me off. I almost rather stay silent these days than say something I’ll regret.

Dance is pretty much the only thing anchoring me right now. It’s the only time I can feel carefree and happy and like my normal (awesome) self. The best kind of escape.

But even that didn’t last cos last night I felt insecurity creep in about my collabo class next week. It isn’t good enough! I’m not dancing it the way I imagined it to be! It’s not interesting or memorable! I was wondering if I would start disliking it even before it sees the light of day.

I don’t enjoy being not happy. I don’t like being emotionally fragile. I don’t have the inclination, time or energy to deal with melodramatic bullshit.

I need to find a way to regain control over my life. This isn’t fun.

… Maybe I should go find a cave.

I was going through a bit of a Dance Depression, where I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my own perceived suckiness. Feeling crappy in class, being insecure about my Op e n St udi o choreo and just being hard on myself.

Tonight, instead of being productive (have yet to start on my yoga research paper, aaargh!), I was trolling YouT ube and decided to randomly watch old videos of me in dance class.

You can’t appreciate where you are now without knowing where you came from.

Translation: OMFG I SUCKED SO BAD.

It was TRAGIC how not good I was. Awkward and gangly and flaily and just… not half as good as I thought I was.

The good news? I’m not that sucky anymore.

I’m still not yet the dancer I want to be, but I definitely feel the progress. It’s always tempting to compare yourself with your peers and other dancers around you; I’m guilty of that. The key is not to let the comparison kill your spirit. I try to sorta be scientific about it: like what is she/he doing that makes the movement look better? How are they moving their bodies to hit the steps? To break down the reasons why I like watching them and try to apply it to my own dancing. To learn from others instead of being FUCCCK WHY AM I NOT THAT GOOD??!? (Hahahaha.)

I always remind myself of something G i g i Tor res said in a note about dance and the love of it. She said: ENJOY the process of becoming that dancer, choreographer, entertainer, artist. The UPS and the DOWNS…the STRUGGLE and the HIGH POINTS. Take in EVERY single moment.

It’s easy to be giddy when you get selected to dance in class, or when you watch a video of a performance and think you did okay. Or when you manage to get the choreo in class. But for every easy moment, you have to stumble through many many difficult ones to get there. And the thing that gets you through those difficult times is knowing that you feel authentic and honest and happy and like the best, most awesome version of yourself when you’re dancing.

So, here I am… trying to enjoy the struggle of being a better dancer. And hopefully in 2 years’ time, I’ll look back on the videos of me in this year and grumble about how sucky I was. :D

There’s nothing like a masterclass to make one feel like a completely inadequate dancer. /o\

Al vin de Ca st ro is in town to teach a couple of classes. I happily signed up for both his advanced classes (bye bye $80!) and got my ass PWNED in class. Hahahaha.

At yesterday’s class, he taught a lyrical hip-hop type of piece. Very chill, groovy music. And the choreography was really nice. And I just couldn’t get it somehow. I mean, I did get it but totally froze at the end of class when we were dancing in groups. Oyyyy. *facepalm* I dunno, I think I psyched myself out or something. Arrrgh.

Today’s class was a bit more uptempo. The song was by Th e Co ol Ki ds, called Co lour s. Nice vibe, I like. And the song has an interesting structure. Stylewise, the routine was quite LA-style, I guess. Lovelovelove the groove to it.

Anyway, he switched lines during class and I ended up in front, right behind him. OMG SO STRESSFUL. I wanted to curl into a ball and die. Hahaha. My brain was fried and movement was not computing into my mind/body. There was this one section that I just could. not. get. And dude, there’s nowhere to hide when you’re front and center! HAHAHAHA. OH GOD, EPIC FAIL. I was like on the brink of a panic attack all the way through the 2nd half of class. HAHAHAHHAA.

Somehow, I managed to smoke my way through most of it. Didn’t totally choke when we danced in groups. There were still some moments of OMGWTF WHAT COMES NEXT??!? but I recovered. HAHAHA! A little better than the absolute brain-freeze I had at the 1st class. :P

And, kick awesome choreography aside, I have to gush about what a fantastic dancer Alvin is. Before attending his class, I knew of him, had seen some of his work on YT. But, to be honest, I wasn’t that wow-ed by him. I thought he was good, yes; but it wasn’t quite the ZOMGWTF-reaction I often have when watching dancers from LA.

Boy oh boy, he completely proved me wrong. With him, something is lost in translation because he is ridiclously good in real life. The lyrical hip-hop piece was like 10000x better when he danced it; the way he hit and released his movements was SICKKKKKK. His movements are so clean and precise and it’s exactly the way he taught it to you (with a lil of his own flava mixed in, of course). My mind was like blooooown.

Same thing today. The music is pretty quick but everything was so clean and precise when he danced it. And he danced it in a way that really made you aware of all the nuances in the music. Fuckin’ ridiculous musicality yo. There was the same hit-release dynamic too, which made it seem like the music isn’t that fast cos he totally milked every damn second. Add to that the flow and groove he brought to it and I was absolutely in dancer!boy heaven. Like WTF IS THIS AWESOME SHIT?!?!? TMTH. CANNOT COMPUTEEEE. So sedap, watching him dance. (Sedap = delicious. That “Mmmmm mhmmm”-kind of feeling. LOL.

Let me take a moment to say: DAMN, DANCER!BOYS ARE SO EFFIN’ HOT. Hmm, Alvin is boyishly cute, I guess (though shorter than me, booohoo). But when he dances, the Hotness factor goes through the roof man. I was so riveted, watching him dance. Guhhhhh.

On a random sidenote: damn you, all you crazy talented Pinoy dancers!!!1!!!!1! I’m not even half as awesome as you. WOEEEEE.

Have some pics:

Some of the RS peeps who were at today’s class.

Me and the crazy-talented Alvin. *bows*

Moral of this story: I still have a loooooong way to go. To be the dancer that I wanna be, I have to keep my chin up and keep taking class, keep learning, keep working to break the barrier. Even with me being sucky in Alvin’s classes, I feel like it was worth the experience. The thing to do now is to take that suckiness, own it and work to make it better. :P Keep on fighting the good fight yo.

Yes, I am planning to do a picspam of Eastern Europe. It’s just feel overwhelming cos I have to look through 2,000 pics (not even kidding; my mom took that many pics!), pick the ones I like and then resize and caption. O___O Currently, I don’t have enough hours in the day to do that!

Between work, my yoga course, dance class and squeezing in time to chill out, there’s nothing left. I’m trying to take in as much “me”-time as possible cos the last two weeks of June will be major crunch time cos of the one week intensive at the end of the yoga course. I have my trial practical lesson tomorrow which I hope goes well. *crosses fingers*

In between all this stuff going on, there’s nervous excitement about dance. Something exciting coming up in July (need to start work on that, aaaaaah!). Heard some pretty mind-blowing news about John that felt like a kick in the ass. The new season of SYT.YCD is motivating me to get my ass in a jazz class, like now. I feel really inspired to step up, y’know?

Oh, and have I mentioned that I’m addicted to Twitter? HAHAHAHAHA. That shit is too addictive yo. I resisted for so long and just recently caved in and now I can’t get off that thing. If you don’t yet have a Twitter, I say STAY AWAY, SAVE YOUR SOUL. Wahahahah! :P

Lots of miscellanous things going on, it seems. But some stuff have fallen by the wayside. I haven’t hung out with the posse in months. Not just the posse though, aside from RS whom I see at class, I haven’t really caught up with most of my friends. Sorry guys! The clutter in my room is growing to epic proportions and I keep telling myself to do something about it. But, of course, laziness takes over. And I’ve disconnected myself from my family cos I somehow feel suffocated at home and just want to be a hermit (aka I feel a desperate need to move out & assert my independence). But that’s a story for another day.

Hmmm, I dunno… I guess my state of mind is a bit iffy these days. I need to get my shit together and get myself going in the right direction.